I’ve always loved love it just never loved me back the right way. I’m 46 years old and have never been married. Proposed to twice, sort of but in no way that I would have ever accepted. What I learned later in life is that a person can only love from their knowledge of love or ability to love.

I was broken and my brokenness I attracted broken men. I had been broken most of my life. A girl without a consistent father that I constantly longed for. I was raised in a home as the outside child and I felt it. My stepfather was not a good man and I never cared for him. In my family there were no good examples of what love was. So when getting into relationships I didn’t know what to look for or what to expect. My first real relationship started when I was 15 years old and lasted for 13 years. At 15 I was in no way ready to be dating. I was looking for attention and the love I didn’t feel at home.

As I look back I realized that I had chosen my dad. He added additional scars to my life that I didn’t need and knowing the scars that I already had I couldn’t understand it. Relationship after relationship the scars grew and my need or want for love died. Every man said that they loved me but how do you hurt someone that you love. One day I said no more and started the journey of self love.

What I learned was the love I needed was mine. I had never loved me, I didn’t even know how. For as far as I could remember I hated who I was and wanted to be someone else. I walked through life with my head held down. It took years for me to get my confidence up and at times I still lack it. I self dated for years, as I healed which was an enlightening experience. Early on in the journey I watched a video by Juanita Bynum called no more sheets. In the video she talked about when you change you no longer attract the same type of people. I took that to heart and promised myself not to date until I felt open to it. Which was not an easy task because then I feared dating.

I wanted someone, no one wants to walk through this life alone. I asked God that before I die can I please experience true love. Two years of birthday wishes later I met someone. That day I left my house headed to Lowes and at the last second decided to go in the opposite direction to Home Depot. You can’t tell me that God didn’t send me there. When he asked for my number I almost did not give it to him out of fear. I had not given my number out in years. I’m glad I did he’s different than any other guy I’ve ever dated. He shows up for me in ways that I dreamed of. It’s been over a year now and things are going well. I get to show up as my authentic self and don’t have to try hard to please him. I’ll admit that even though I’m happy here I’ve had times where my self destructing thoughts tried to creep in. Block, block, block, I’m staying hopeful this time around.

I want to be good wife not perfect to an imperfect good man. I’ve kissed enough frogs I deserve it!